I don't know if it's because summer is coming to an end, or what, but I can't shake the feeling that things are going to be very different, very soon.
Yes, school is starting in little more than a week (AH! How is the 30th so close already?!?), and I'm leaving my old job to start a new one. That's an awful lot of change right there.
Honestly, the whole job thing has been really... weird? I was so hesitant to leave my position, even though I knew I could jump right into a better paying, music related job, and it took months of consideration before I finally told my boss that I'd be leaving at the end of August. But now, well... work's been so insanely busy, and my replacement, who I'm currently training, is so extremely capable that I'm not feeling hesitant at all. In fact, I'm eager for my last day.
Don't get me wrong, I'm going to miss my co-workers. They're all awesome guys. And a lot of our clients were really awesome and nice, and I'm gonna miss the funny banter-y chat I had three time a week with one in particular. Heck, I'll probably even miss the dude who was always grumpy and just called me 'the girl.' In all honesty, though, most of the missing will be because I'm missing familiarity. I'll be missing the security of familiar surroundings, only dealing with the same people week after week, knowing exactly how and when to do my job.
But there's also the excitement of the unknown ahead of me. I'm going to have a ton of new voice students come September, I'm going to be teaching at a local school, I'm going to have to actively pursue gigs and auditions. For once in my life, everything I'm doing is going to be focused on the same goal. It's an awesome feeling.
It's also a terrifying feeling. What if my goal doesn't pan out? What if I can't pull together enough work to make ends meet? What if I don't have what it takes to even reach my goal? There are so many variables now, and almost no security. For the first time ever, my future is completely in my hands. I'm only going to get as much as I make of it. I'm only going to get out whatever I put in.
I'm going to have to rely a lot more on Divine Providence and be much more willing to take things as they come. I might have a bratty student or an awful audition or deal with a really harsh rejection, but I have to trust that in the end it's going to be good for me, that in the end it's all God's plan.
Yeah, I said my future is in my hands, but really, it's in His. I only want what He wants for me and so I'm entrusting everything to Him through His Most Blessed Mother. I'm going to deal with some tough stuff, I know, but like they say 'No pain, no gain.' I'm also confident that there are some really great times ahead, and those high points are going to have to carry me through the low points.
I'm also going to have to make some tough decisions, one of which I'm mulling over right now. After 12, almost 13, long years in my parish choir, I'm contemplating whether or not to take a break. There are so many factors to consider and, sadly, a lot of them are leaning me towards the decision to leave. I just know that I have so much to focus on right now, and choir was a big stress factor for me last semester. I just don't have the time or the energy to devote to it. There was a time when I looked forward to Friday night rehearsals- I got to see my friends, rehearse some awesome music (Honestly, how many teenagers get to learn Renaissance Polyphony and Gregorian chant and actually perform it on a weekly basis?), and generally have a fun time. Now, it's just a chore. It's something else to do and I feel like I can't properly glorify God if my heart's not in it. In all honesty, it's becoming a distraction to my attentiveness at Mass. I just don't feel as prayerful as I should be.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just over-analysing things. But there are personality issues at play as well, and I've been trying really hard just to let things go. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if that attempt is fully successful on my part or even if the attempt is mutual with the other party. If anything, that's the main thing driving this. I just think it would be better for everyone concerned if I bowed out for awhile. I can sing from the pew, get some more prayer in, be less stressed and pressed for time, and not step on anyone's toes.
And as I write this I think my decision has been made. I think it's time to bow out. No, it's definitely time to bow out. I will be sad to go, but again, I think it's that nostalgia again.
Change is tough. It's uncertain and new. It closes a door that has always seemed safe and leaves you out in the Great Plains of Change to find a new door (or window) though which to clamber, and hope that you'll find something that makes you feel safe there, too.
I think that if I'm reliant enough on God's plan and open enough to grace, the changes that are coming won't be so scary and unfamiliar at all. Truly, God is only with us in this very moment. He's not behind us lingering in the past or waiting up ahead in our unwritten future. He is with us right now, and if we are with Him in every moment, well, there is nothing to fear. If He is with us, then we are where He wants us, be the moment happy or sad, comfy or scary.
And besides, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)
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