Happy Feast of the Assumption!!

May Our Blessed Mother watch over and protect us all!!

A Belated Happy New Year!

And an early Happy Epiphany, to all of my readers!!

I apologise once again for being so remiss with the blog. The Christmas season is a very busy one in my family, with lots of visiting and cooking and parties and Masses, etc., etc..


Some of the highlights of this Christmas Season included:

1. A visit from all of my aunts and cousins-- it was the first time in years that we've all been together for the holidays! 20-some people in one house= FUN! :)

2. Successfully hosting a party on New Years' Day and getting to meet Fr. Braveheart's parents, who were in from Scotland for Christmas. They were lovely people and livened up the party considerably!

3. Getting to sing for the Bishop when he visited our parish Christmas Dinner. It's the first time the Bishop of our diocese has ever taken part in any of our festivities, despite the parish having been around for 15 years. He was really wonderful and seemed to have a great time! Word on the street is that he wants to come back for a Pontifical High Mass in the Extraordinary Form!!! (And he also complimented me on my solo, which earned him major brownie points! ;) Haha.)


I'll be writing about some of the other things I've been up to soon-ish, as well, so look for those new posts in the near future. I'm sorry again for neglecting the blog so much, but besides being busy I haven't been in much of a writing mood.

To be honest, for a few days I've been kinda blue, as well. I'm suspecting it's just due to the fact that I'm getting a little bored on break, and I'm hoping that getting back to classes next week will cure me of my melancholy. I mean, really, when I think about it, I don't have much to be blue about. I've been incredibly blessed this past year, despite some of the difficulties, and so far 2011 has been pretty good. I think I also need to seek out some serious spiritual consolation as well... I've been a bit remiss with my daily Rosary amidst all the hustle and bustle, and I suspect that may also be contributing.

Anyway, here's wishing you and yours a Blessed Feast of the Epiphany!

Adoration of the Wise Men ~ Murillo

Happy Feast Day!

Wishing all of my readers a Blessed Feast of the Immaculate Conception!

Ave Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis!

Dealing with Disappointment

What is it about disappointment? Why does it sometimes roll off of you and other times blast a hole in your heart? And why is it that, even when we're intellectually determined to just let something go, the sting of disappointment still brings tears to your eyes?

Is it because you're being selfish? You can't have what you want and so your selfish heart rebels?

Or is it because you're being selfless? You place your trust and hope in another person, build them up, encourage them, and your heart just aches because you can't stand to see them hurting when all the preparations come to naught?

I don't know. I suppose there are, indeed, two sides to why disappointment can hurt so much.

How about when you've been repeatedly disappointed about the same thing for months on end, and each time you reply with a smile and reassure yourself that it'll be better next time? You keep your chin up time after time, and then one day, you just can't take it anymore. You can't pick yourself up again, and, try as you might, you can't fight the inner anguish that threatens to tear you apart.

What then? What was it that was the final straw? Why was it this time that the disappointment finally dragged you down?

I can't figure it out, honestly. Maybe I'm not supposed to.

But today I learned something about disappointment.

I was driving to work, after having been disappointed over a silly, trivial little thing. I was trying to fight the cold bitterness I was feeling and trying to hold back the tears that welled in my eyes. It was complete nonsense, of course, but it still hurt. A lot. It was almost ridiculous how much I was bothered by what had happened.

I was frustrated with myself for feeling this way; for being, despite my best efforts, a slave to the hormonal surges and emotions that were threatening to reduce me to an irrational, blubbering mess, smeared mascara and all.

And then, like a ray of sunshine, a thought came to me (Thanks be to God!) that almost instantly replaced my feelings of hurt and disappointment with those of proper guilt and penitence.

For you see, by grace alone, I began to think of my disappointment in a different way. Yes, I was hurting and hurt, but how much more acute is the disappointment that the Sacred Heart and the Immaculate Heart feels on my behalf?

How many times have I entered the confessional, confessed my sins, promised to amend my life, promised to do better, not to sin again, to work harder at rooting out the tendencies that draw me away from Christ? And how many times have I come back the very next week, only to confess the same sins over again, having not really made a true effort at amending my life?

How pained is His Most Sacred Heart by this? More than words can describe, for our verbal description of His Passion and death upon the Cross is but a pale representation of how truly He suffered for and because of us. Every day His Sacrifice is renewed on the altar for me, for my salvation. And still, I go on disappointing Him.

But Our Lord doesn't give up on us. He keeps forgiving us; He continues to encourage us and gives us tools to aid us in our struggle to be more like Him.

My suffering is nothing compared to His, and instead of being disappointed, I should be focusing on not being disappointing. He has already suffered too much on my behalf.

This week was the Feast of Our Lady of Sorrows, and so I beg of Her to aid me, to bring me closer to Her Son, to help me to bear my minute sufferings, and to, in all things, seek and find Christ.

Little Flower & The Blessed Sacrament- Chapter I, Part 2

Some lovely thoughts for the Feast of the Seven Joys of the Blessed Virgin Mary...

Postscript- I find it interesting that the Seven (or Five) Joys had a place of honour in pre-reformation England. (More Here) We should pray for devotion to Our Lady to fully return to the Anglicans, and then perhaps we'll see the full fruits of Anglicanorum Coetibus.

----

Chapter I cont.- St. Teresa and the Flowers

At about the age of five, while playing among the flowers, of which she was always very fond, she already found her amusement in making little altars within openings that she happened to find in the garden wall. When her tiny structures were completed, she would run to call her father, who invariably shared in her delight. Incidentally, too, these diversions manifest the attraction which Altar and Tabernacle even then exercised over her, and how the Divine Presence had captivated her thoughts and her heart.

   Holiness may be said to have been almost bred in the very nature of this favored child, thanks to the Eucharistic devotion of her wise and pious parents, who knew how to make piety joyous, while play itself was hallowed by piety. Thus the way had been lovingly prepared for that Divine Bridegroom of her soul who at once led her by these sweetly scented paths directly to the great central mystery of our Faith, the Holy Eucharist.

   That love of God which the parents so carefully instilled into the soul of little Teresa was no mere sentiment. It was a love strong in action and in suffering.

   "I offered myself to Our Lord to be His Little Flower," she writes. "I longed to console Him, to draw as near as possible to the Tabernacle, to be looked on, cared for, and gathered by Him."

   The desire of complete self-oblation now took possession of her heart. Such, in particular, were the affections aroused in her while looking at a picture whose charming title was: "The Little Flower of the Tabernacle."

   But her supreme happiness consisted in taking her place in the procession of the Blessed Sacrament, there to await the moment when she could toss her flowers to the Divine King as he was borne along in triumph. She was not content merely to scatter them in His path-- her love was far too intimate for that!-- but she must even then signalize herself in her own daring way. And evidently no one thwarted these acts of childish affection which so delighted the Heart of her virginal Spouse. She herself tells us:

   "Above all, I loved the procession of the Blessed Sacrament: what a joy it was to strew flowers in God's path! But before scattering them on the ground I threw them high in the air, and was never so happy as when I saw my rose-leaves touch the sacred Monstrance."

   Every Sunday was a day of joy to her, when, as she tells us, "the whole family went to High Mass." Here she could satisfy her longing to be in the presence of Christ, to pour out her little heart before Him, and to listen to His own voice speaking to her from the silent Tabernacle.

   Of the Little Flower's ardent desire for Holy Communion, almost from the days of babyhood, much remains to be said elsewhere in this volume, and also of her other Eucharistic attractions, so remarkable in one of her tender years. These were the first sparks of that great Eucharistic love which was to inflame her soul.

"Never was I so happy as when I saw my rose-leaves touch the sacred Monstrance."

The Winds of Change

I don't know if it's because summer is coming to an end, or what, but I can't shake the feeling that things are going to be very different, very soon.

Yes, school is starting in little more than a week (AH! How is the 30th so close already?!?), and I'm leaving my old job to start a new one. That's an awful lot of change right there.

Honestly, the whole job thing has been really... weird? I was so hesitant to leave my position, even though I knew I could jump right into a better paying, music related job, and it took months of consideration before I finally told my boss that I'd be leaving at the end of August. But now, well... work's been so insanely busy, and my replacement, who I'm currently training, is so extremely capable that I'm not feeling hesitant at all. In fact, I'm eager for my last day.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to miss my co-workers. They're all awesome guys. And a lot of our clients were really awesome and nice, and I'm gonna miss the funny banter-y chat I had three time a week with one in particular. Heck, I'll probably even miss the dude who was always grumpy and just called me 'the girl.' In all honesty, though, most of the missing will be because I'm missing familiarity. I'll be missing the security of familiar surroundings, only dealing with the same people week after week, knowing exactly how and when to do my job.

But there's also the excitement of the unknown ahead of me. I'm going to have a ton of new voice students come September, I'm going to be teaching at a local school, I'm going to have to actively pursue gigs and auditions. For once in my life, everything I'm doing is going to be focused on the same goal. It's an awesome feeling.

It's also a terrifying feeling. What if my goal doesn't pan out? What if I can't pull together enough work to make ends meet? What if I don't have what it takes to even reach my goal? There are so many variables now, and almost no security. For the first time ever, my future is completely in my hands. I'm only going to get as much as I make of it. I'm only going to get out whatever I put in.

I'm going to have to rely a lot more on Divine Providence and be much more willing to take things as they come. I might have a bratty student or an awful audition or deal with a really harsh rejection, but I have to trust that in the end it's going to be good for me, that in the end it's all God's plan.

Yeah, I said my future is in my hands, but really, it's in His. I only want what He wants for me and so I'm entrusting everything to Him through His Most Blessed Mother. I'm going to deal with some tough stuff, I know, but like they say 'No pain, no gain.' I'm also confident that there are some really great times ahead, and those high points are going to have to carry me through the low points.

I'm also going to have to make some tough decisions, one of which I'm mulling over right now. After 12, almost 13, long years in my parish choir, I'm contemplating whether or not to take a break. There are so many factors to consider and, sadly, a lot of them are leaning me towards the decision to leave. I just know that I have so much to focus on right now, and choir was a big stress factor for me last semester. I just don't have the time or the energy to devote to it. There was a time when I looked forward to Friday night rehearsals- I got to see my friends, rehearse some awesome music (Honestly, how many teenagers get to learn Renaissance Polyphony and Gregorian chant and actually perform it on a weekly basis?), and generally have a fun time. Now, it's just a chore. It's something else to do and I feel like I can't properly glorify God if my heart's not in it. In all honesty, it's becoming a distraction to my attentiveness at Mass. I just don't feel as prayerful as I should be.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just over-analysing things. But there are personality issues at play as well, and I've been trying really hard just to let things go. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if that attempt is fully successful on my part or even if the attempt is mutual with the other party. If anything, that's the main thing driving this. I just think it would be better for everyone concerned if I bowed out for awhile. I can sing from the pew, get some more prayer in, be less stressed and pressed for time, and not step on anyone's toes.

And as I write this I think my decision has been made. I think it's time to bow out. No, it's definitely time to bow out. I will be sad to go, but again, I think it's that nostalgia again.

Change is tough. It's uncertain and new. It closes a door that has always seemed safe and leaves you out in the Great Plains of Change to find a new door (or window) though which to clamber, and hope that you'll find something that makes you feel safe there, too.

I think that if I'm reliant enough on God's plan and open enough to grace, the changes that are coming won't be so scary and unfamiliar at all. Truly, God is only with us in this very moment. He's not behind us lingering in the past or waiting up ahead in our unwritten future. He is with us right now, and if we are with Him in every moment, well, there is nothing to fear. If He is with us, then we are where He wants us, be the moment happy or sad, comfy or scary.

And besides, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

Rushing...

...to make the post before midnight. ;)

Today was another long, busy day at work, and then it was off to Opera Rehearsal right away, again. It really stinks that the company I'm singing with is a whole hour away. Those two hours of driving really cuts into blogging time. C'est la vie.

Not much exciting happened today. I did get bitten by another plot bunny and this time the whole 'fic is in my head, but it's making me moody and pensive until I can get it out on paper. I'm not sure why everything I'm writing lately has been angst... I should probably try to write something more lighthearted and funny to break things up...

I have been meaning to share this link with you all for the last week, but I kept forgetting to post it or I haven't had time. The story that follows is very cool and extremely edifying. There are some skeptics that will try to pass it off as superstition and an over active imagination, but I don't think it made international news by happen-stance. Divine Providence is trying to remind us all of the power of prayer, and especially the power of Our Lady's Psalter. Perhaps the story struck home for me because I lost a cousin to a landmine in Afghanistan no more than a month ago...

All the same...Our lady of the Rosary, ora pro nobis!

Soldier Saved By Rosary 

In Which Soaring Soprano Must Learn...

...to focus on happy thoughts.

I've been having a killer day at work today. A job went missing that had been sent to us about a month ago, and we can find neither hide nor hair of it. The disturbing bit is that we have no record of it ever coming in, but it's a bit of a puzzle because when it was given to us, the temporary secretary was working... and he had a very bad habit of not putting things into the computer system. So then, the person it belongs to called up, all frustrated and because I'm the secretary I had to deal with him on the phone, not once, but three times. Each time he felt it necessary to rant and rave, which only made my coffee deprivation headache worse.

Then, I got into an argument with my boss about the whole situation, and I consequently simmered for the rest of the afternoon, giving him the cold shoulder, and silently ranting in my head, until 2:45 rolled around and it was time for me to eat my first meal of the day.

While I prepared my lunch, I had an opportunity to calm down a bit and reflect. At first I reflected on yesterday, comparing yesterday's wonderful day to today's bitter and aggravating day.

"Why can't today be a nice day, too?" I fumed to myself, disgruntled, hungry, and wanting caffeine very badly.

As I thought, though, I realised that I was only making today worse by staying upset about all the stressful things that were going on. And I also realised something that I'm not sure I'll be able to articulate properly, but I'll try.

Everyday, twice a day, in my morning and evening prayers, I offer all of my joys and sorrows up to the Blessed Mother. I lay them at her feet, trusting that she will turn them into something presentable enough to offer to her Son.

Now, perhaps my next thought will come as no surprise to many people, but honestly I've been negligent about this, so it was a nice refreshing thought for me. What I realised was that I needed to remember to offer things up as they happen, rather than just doing a mass deposit of the day's pleasures and troubles at one shot. We offer our joys and sorrows in the morning in anticipation of the day's coming events, gaining fortitude to face them well. At the end of the day, we offer our treasures and tribulations in thanksgiving for our blessings and for the protection we received. But I need to offer my trials and triumphs up throughout the day, to remind myself that everything comes from God and that I need His help in all things, for without Him I am nothing.

So, I took a deep breath and did just that, and you know what? I immediately felt better. Not only did I feel better, but I was also reminded that our joys from days past are also helps to get through the troubles of today. And so, I thought back to the happy things from yesterday- the lucky finds at the book sale that made me so excited, my happiness with the progress I had made on my novel, the relief of having had a good pick-up rehearsal, and the unexpected phone call from a dear friend that made the rest of my day seem like a beam of sunshine- and I felt even better.

And I realise now that I have happy things to look forward to this evening. My brother is coming to my show tonight to film, I'm singing songs I love, bringing joy to other people, and I'll get to work more on my novel when I get home.

It seems my day is a pleasant one after all, and Deo gratias for both the blessings and the crosses!