As I sit here in the very stylish cafe at my local Barnes and Nobles, I can't help but to repeat that mantra to myself over and over again. I've always been a firm believer in Divine Providence and I'm usually pretty good at just letting God do the steering while I sit back and (try) to enjoy the ride.
Today, however... Well, today is a bit different. I'm still letting God steer, but I'm dealing with more than a little trepidation at the moment in regards to the direction we're going in.
Today marked the last day at my non-musical job, and while I'm happy to be done with it, I'm still feeling a bit depressed. I was hard pressed to hold back tears while saying my good-byes to people who have been a part of my life for the last four years. I'm leaving a comfortable, consistent position, doing something that I'm pretty good at, and stepping forth into the new, but uncertain, life of a full-time student and music teacher.
I'm worried about where money is going to come from. I'm worried about my financial aid getting straightened out at school. I'm worried about being a good teacher. I'm worried about how I'm going to balance my new schedule. I'm worried about the fact that I had to dip into my savings in order to meet all the expenses for school this semester. I'm worried that I'll not make enough back to re-secure my plans to go to Chartres and Scotland in the spring.
I'm worried that my worrying is going to drive me crazy.
I need to take a deep breath and just let it go, I know. I need to say my Rosary and pray for fortitude. And I need to focus on the good things in my life, rather than focusing on the things that are troublesome. Thinking about my blessings always helps me to re-focus.
And so, to close my post on a happier, more uplifting note, I shall share with you an essay I wrote a few months ago and had forgotten about until now.
I Believe...
I believe in the existence of kindred spirits and the power of true friendship. There is something wondrous and beautiful about meeting a person and instantly feeling like you've known them for a lifetime; that you have similar thoughts and feelings on a broad variety of subjects; that there is mutual interest and sympathy, creating an almost instantaneous bond. It's a bond that seems to bridge individual identity- yet still retains it- creating a feeling of one soul in two bodies. It bridges age as well as distance, social position and religion. I have been blessed to experience this bond several times during my life, and every time I learn something new, not only about other people, but also about myself.
Through my best friend, who I met at summer camp in 2001, I discovered the beauty of J. R. R. Tolkien's writings and that it was perfectly acceptable to nurture my imagination. She was an avid writer of fan fiction, something I had wished that I was brave enough to do, and with her gentle nudging and enthusiastic encouragement, I finally allowed my creative side some room to grow. From her I also learned the value of listening, rather than monopolizing the conversation as my talkative nature made me wont to do. Over the years, our friendship has grown deeper and closer, despite our physical distance growing apart (she now lives in California.)
Most recently, and with an even greater distance between us, I made the acquaintance of a gentleman in Scotland. We were complete strangers until our mutual love of Star Wars and writing fan fiction brought us together on an Internet forum. Even then, we were anonymous people hiding behind clever screen names, but appreciative of the other's wit and writing ability. Finally, a question about some obscure point of continuity led to a series of private messages. It quickly became apparent that we were very similar people and, after more emails and chat sessions, kindred spirits. Our acquaintance has quickly bloomed into friendship, leaving me amazed at how different we are (he's a DPhil candidate in Medieval studies and loves complicated, obscure arguments- I'm a Vocal Performance undergrad, and I put much emphasis on clear, simple logic), yet similar at the same time. Our similarities are profound, relating mostly to subjects like faith, loyalty, and the true meaning of love. And despite the thousands of miles between us, he's been able to help me in meaningful ways. Our conversations, while often times light hearted and Star Wars-centric, easily slip into deep, profound topics. He is a gentle encourager and is able to help me tease out the answers to personal conundrums, without solving them for me. His insight and respectful advice has shed light on issues I never thought I could resolve. More often than not, our dialogue leaves me joyfully contemplative and motivated to better myself.
Truly, I believe in the strength and love that this true friendship can lend. It is humbling to know that one person can affect so much good in another, and I can only hope that I can do the same for those who have touched me.
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